I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
