Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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