she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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