My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
