Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
