Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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