I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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