tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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