I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
