sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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