Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
