Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
