Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
