I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
