he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The uberlube is also flammable
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
