Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
