Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair