Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
