I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Four minutes until I can fart!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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