I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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