you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
