I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
