he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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