he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
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Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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