I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
