Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
