I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
