I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
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If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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