I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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