the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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