Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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