There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
