I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
