Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
