this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
