well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
