if you like me you must not know who I am
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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