I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
