I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
