you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
