I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
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He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
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In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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