If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I lost the right to judge tonight
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
