The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
