just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
