I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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