Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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