Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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