I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
