I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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