Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
