I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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