Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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