i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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