ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
