You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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